This is an excerpt from Alaina Love’s new book, “Permission to be You“
For many years, working with clients and their teams, I’ve watched business leaders display mastery of their passions, using them to gracefully navigate tough business challenges, build cohesive teams and take on complex, competitive markets. Unstoppable at achieving goals and overcoming business crises, most of them embraced challenges as opportunities for learning and growth, and they evolved because of those experiences.
But while these leaders demonstrated extreme confidence and capability in dealing with business issues, time and again I saw them wither under the searing pain of loss in its many forms, be it divorce, death, financial hardship or unfulfilled personal or professional expectations. At such moments, feeling deeply vulnerable, many of these highly competent people questioned their capabilities and their past successes. Some even felt that allowing themselves to fully experience the impact of their loss might be seen as weakness. They compartmentalized the event, hid their losses or failures from others and built almost impenetrable walls around their pain. Those brave enough to let reality in were like storm-battered ships on a raging sea.
Loss, it turns out, is the great equalizer. The agony of it is indiscriminate, putting us all on the same plane regardless of job title, income, gender, race, ethnicity or cultural background. Even highly successful people in positions of power are profoundly human — just like the rest of us.
Still, I can’t help but wonder what role our passions, and the purpose from which they arise, might play in helping us navigate profound moments of personal loss. How can we become a better version of ourselves during difficult times and support those who are weathering the challenge with us? Do our passions help us view loss differently, feel it more deeply, recover from it more easily? Or do they perhaps empower us to embrace a truth uncovered by Dr. Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly: real courage is born from vulnerability, not bravado?
My experience has taught me that the answer to these questions is yes. If we are willing to make the journey, when we are grounded in our passions, loss can at once profoundly challenge us while presenting us with a way forward. Letting our passions light the way is no guarantee that we won’t stumble, but they can speed our progress along the path to healing and growth.
Getting to Answers
What I’ve learned most about loss is the frenzied, sometimes desperate attempt we make to understand it, as if our fragility in the moment will somehow be abated by gaining a grain of insight into the “why” of it all. But the cruelest thing about loss is that sometimes there is no sense to be made of it. It just is. This is especially true if you’ve suddenly or tragically lost a friend or loved one, or if someone has died young. Losing a beloved pet can leave the same void, as can divorce, job loss, fire, flood and other “acts of God.” We grieve the loss of things or people who have enriched our life journey because they have given our life meaning and shaped our identity. Losing them feels like losing a part of ourselves we can never recover, and we struggle to accept that loss has forever changed us.
Getting through the first months or years after a significant loss can be especially challenging. During that time, drawing from your passions can be lifesaving, especially if you lean into your passion strengths. You can’t rewrite history or bring back someone who is gone, but your passion and strengths can help you shape a new narrative for your future. This is the time to explore what you’ve learned from the journey. How have you grown, and what insights have you gained? Considering your passions, find one positive thing that you can do, then embrace your newfound wisdom and share it with others. You’ll discover that the greatest gift you can give in memory of someone or something you’ve lost is reaching out to help someone else who is where you used to be.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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